So, I very much enjoy writing, it compensates the burning in my blood that wishes nothing more than far-flung adventure filled with comradeship and discovery. There is a rather large part of me that has, for as long as I can remember, desired to live free, to simply collect what is needed to survive, to walk from my door and to be free. It would be quite the fairy tail freedom as well, there would, of course, be romance, mystery, challenges, conquest and something new, something different around every corner. the natural ‘now’ would take the place of my sleeping spirit as true sentience would awaken, the feel of each step, the smell in the air and the changing of the weather, all would come and be known presently rather than mentally.
That hunter who rests inside, the alert animal who can without effort, navigate this world with ease, who can greet a challenge head on through action, this would be my guide. For living this freedom would force this bored, lazy body into the form it was meant to be, each muscle would sit in precise proportion to its function, not some hulking mass of extra weight nor the none existent nothing it has become of late. The world would speak and these ears would listen, stars would map the night while the sun direct the day. Food would come as it always must, through whatever means provided, water on the other-hand is everywhere.
My home would be upon my back and nowhere could be off-limits, the flowers, fruits and medicine of the land, a second nature, while the paths and ways of the wild, they would be discovered and kept, a guarded secret. Animals would cross my path with ease as they sensed no threat, others of my own race perhaps would shun me, no doubt it would be an alien image. Those who did not, I would welcome as friends into my camp and offer them all I could provide as payment for some much needed company. Suppose I had electricity, a solar panel of some kind and a way to write so that each experience could be shared with those who cared to see. Yes this dream has been alive in me since as long as I can remember and yet here I am sat before my laptop on a Saturday night, writing instead.
It can be a rather cruel thing this life we lead, as we do these days, far removed from the natural state that is so much, a part of who we are. Many of those I grew up with have long since found their place in this society, they seemed to never doubt that they would really though I am sure they each had their own doubts at times. For me, I found school very difficult, especially once it became secondary, I found it quite scary actually and I didn’t ever really ‘get with the programme’. It all felt to much like ‘a complete load of shite’, as if all the mystery and wonder the world had to offer was torn apart and replaced by a mundane factory line designed to spit out competent workers. Worst of all I went to a Christian school, we heard stories of forgiveness, love and compassion in the morning before hypocricy kicked in and all those things were forgotten or even cast asside completely.
The rest of the time it was business as usual and those five years if I remember correctly (don’t have to many memories of that period) crushed and destroyed my spirit, I believe in those days the dream I described above was formed. I felt this world was dying, everywhere I looked I saw sleeping spirits, no true life but for those I called friends, those few who were trusted and who trusted me. Perhaps that is where we found ourselves in those years, in the safest company we could open up to, be a least mildly vulnerable before.
Anyway the dream has stuck, from that point I have never felt a part of this big wide world, I still see it, (although, with far more compassion than the anger that plagued my early days), as a very alien place. We are still asked by a system that really doesn’t give a shit about us to sell our souls for safety from the big scary world, we are fed and watered and for that we sacrifice everything. Perhaps it is not surprising we are raised in every way for this, it is our own fault, we forget messages of love, hope, honour and kindness, from even the most basic TV programme or book as a child. We replace those feelings with a cold mechanical mind-frame that centres around this ‘ego’ which our storytelling narrative convinces us is all important. Despite the ‘self’ the ‘ego’ being literally the most boring possible expression of who we truly are, ever been stuck in a conversation with someone who never stops talking about themselves, that is the ego at it finest… zzzzz
Slaving away to be something we only ever end up being at the cost of others and even then it never feels like we promised ourselves it would. Always we have a way to convince ourselves we are right, that there is this way or that and our opinions matter despite the fact that if you pay attention, they are constantly changing. The future looms over us, daunting and foreboding, demanding we fear, respect and live by it, we need education then work followed by a pension. We live like it is our intention to last as long as possible, yet we will all die and likely regret the way we have lived because we spend most free time flicking through meaningless crap that satisfies our lowest senses. All the while, our spirit, our soul, sold and locked away, guarded by our greatest fears weeps for freedom and the biggest insult is that we are expected to smile and appreciate all of this as if it was this system rather than the universe that gave us life.
There is wonder and amazement in every part of this world, the very aspect of life itself is incredible, simply reflecting on ones own existence can change life forever. I know this blog has taken a dark twist but I write these for my own sake, it is something I find I enjoy a great deal so long as I stop forcing it and let it come and this is what came today. The topic and nature of this blog is likely effected by my mood, when it is lightened I will give a completely different take on it all, I suppose it depends upon whatever perspective is present at the time, who knows, I certainly don’t.
Anyway we are convinced to sell our souls and smile about it, got an interview? Well you better not be yourself and you better kiss the ass of whoever is asking you not to be yourself, if you pay this price, if you conform then you may get the illusion of safety as a gift. I have been very lucky in truth, I always wondered if life could be different and through action I asked that question of it and it answered time and again with the truth. Despite this I still fear the loss of the safety which I surround myself with, I fear the cold of night and the wet rain, I fear loneliness despite spending most of my time alone by a computer. It is better put saying not ‘what it is that I fear’, but simply that ‘I fear’, so here I am, writing away in a body that is tired of this dark winter, with a spirit that is lethargic and has grown lazy.
The Camino… that changed a lot for me and I think it reveals those changes more recently than ever, some part of me regrets those changes, my inaction and acceptance of my own slavery is much easier to bare in ignorance (which is, after all, bliss…). Being free in the way that my ‘dreams’ imagine is simply a story that speaks of a greater desire within all of us to be, not free but ‘alive’. For now, I study because it is a subject I enjoy, though in truth I will forever be seeking life of true living, it is getting harder to balance the two. Around me my friends are forging forwards as ever, working hard and doing well, they seem very happy most of them and sometimes I wish I was the same but not always.
Maybe all of this is like I said earlier, simply the reflections of one perspective that is liable to change, maybe I speak of a part of me that is in all of us. Perhaps we are all hiding from something, distracted by the ever turning cogs of the machine we must keep working. If you have related to this in any way I hope it brings you comfort to know there is another who feels like a bit of an alien here on earth sometimes 🙂